Print December 21, 2014

Forking Over the Cash, A Christmas Critique

by Rose Hedberg

black-friday-macysWeather you believe in the birth of a miracle baby, the arrival of St. Nickolas or if you’re Dutch (6-8 black men show up with a thin Santa who used to be the old bishop of Turkey who then disciplines the children with a switch if they’re naughty) the giving holiday is upon us. The commercialized corporate industries have risen from their yearly slumber to bring you the latest in goods and gadgets. Their business ensures your holiday is filled with gifts that say I love you more than hand-made crafts or sweaters. To make your shopping a little easier I’ve scoped out the latest in fun toys and gifts fresh off the market.


For your roommate and family members look no further than Poo-Pourri, a household necessity and essential good smell. The packaging is discreet, the smell delightful and fresh, while the product itself is practical. It’s a spray combining natural oils that you spritz prior to laying a “creamy behemoth” in the porcelain bowl. The odor barrier keeps poo-smells out and leaves the scent of fresh cookies or lemon bars. Everybody poops, but keep it classy this year.


Top-rated for significant others and disgruntled office workers, is the Wearable Pod that offers isolation in a Nutshell. Take a break from one another and the harshness of the world, just pull over your shell and retreat. The pod covers the top half of your body with a hard structure and light shell. Your legs are free to move, much like a hermit crab while your upper body is protected. But don’t worry about strange looks or judgment, because if you can’t see them, they can’t see you. The sleek design features no eye or mouth holes. Perfect solution to those tense holiday talks, just isolate yourself and return to the conversation when you can’t breathe through your pod.


The latest in children’s entertainment is Xeno, the “cute, cheeky interactive baby monster.” Forget fluffy this little guy is rubber and buggers, the latest in comfort. It comes with the ability to make 40 different expressions and full farting sounds. Included are removable “snot-droppings” and crazy devil eyes. Little Xeno hits the market in popular burnt orange for only $100 brand new.

Kim Jung-un

But let us not forget the center of the family household, the market for our domesticated family members is bubbling with new treats and toys. Top of the line is this year’s Kim Jong-un Cat Scratching Post marked at $7,241. “Does your cat have an issue with North Korea?” Good question In fact if I did have a cat I think he would have an issue with North Korea. “This scratching post was painstakingly handcrafted by a team of artists and took over 200 hours to complete.” It’s a one of a kind cat post that you just have to have. It’s a small price to pay in proving your patriotic loyalty.

As we’ve safely made it through Black Friday and transitioned in to Christmas music overload, let the real shopping begin. Get out there and open those wallets to show loved ones how much they mean to you. Happy holidays.

(PS- the scratching post proceeds all go to supporting a charity protecting human rights)

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